Every mom lies. Scary Mommy is a big believer in it. Even the most honest, open-armed, mother-Earth-to-all fib to their kids. I think it’s fine… fabulous, in fact. As mothers, we tell untruths to protect, to comfort or just to get our perfect little monsters darlings off our backs and quiet for 10 seconds. I remember my grandma’s sister (I guess, my great aunt) once telling me that eating onions would make my hair grow loooooong. A part of me still believes her.
Behind every mom’s smile is a plan…
So like any good mommy, I’m continuing the tradition of lying to my children. Partly because it makes my life easier, mostly because it makes their life easier. They’ll figure out the truth when they’re older. Here are a few of my most fabulous fibs:
1) The guy’s gonna come and kick us out. You may’ve already read my explanation on that one. It pretty much always does the trick. Probably my best work yet.
2) It’s really Fairy Fruit Salad. You see, Tinkerbell and her fairy friends flew in here last night and made this especially for YOU. They were so excited and flattered about how both of you are such FANS of their movies, they wanted to do something special. They worked really hard, too. And now you’re NOT going to eat it? Do you want to make them cry and never want to come back here again? Please, try the Fairy Fruit Salad. It’s magic. And also a secret. TELL NO ONE.
Who knew fairies could operate the whipped cream canister?
3) If you jump off of that (or run or pull your sister’s arm or open that junk drawer in the kitchen) your head (or leg or arm or fingers) WILL FALL OFF and we won’t be able to put them back on. We’ll have to put them in a bag and put them away. Then what will we do? Cry. And you won’t have a head anymore (or, choose applicable body part).
4) If we don’t take a bath, stinky bugs might crawl up your butt and live there. And then school will say “EWWWWWW who stinks?” and not let you go back there. Do want spiders to live in your bum-bum, or not want to play with any of your friends anymore? Now get in the bath before the bugs find us.
5) This iced-tea is medicine and tastes disgusting. Yuk. Gross. (If I really need to persuade, I start making wincing faces and sticking out my tongue. Drama can and will seal the deal.)
6) If we don’t go potty before bed, then we might peepee on the princesses and they’ll wake up crying in the middle of the night. I should note I’m referring to the princesses on our bedsheets. And sometimes the ones that sleep beside us too.
Two of these princesses are printed on the sheets.
7) The sound of thunder is really the sky shouting “hello!” at us. Don’t cry, it’s just trying to be friendly. It’s loud because it wants to make sure we can hear it (you see, the sky is very far away). It’s lonely. We should wave hello to the sky and say “hi” back so it feels better. (Waving out the window and shouting “hello! hello!” usually follows. What fear?)
SO FESS UP! WHAT DO YOU FIB ABOUT?
